Damn Birds

If the freakin' birds outside the bedroom keep me awake again tonight I am getting a pellet gun/pistol tomorrow. I crash in the spare bedroom if I can not sleep. Outside the window is a tree which is home to these evil nocturnal birds. They woke me at 1:30 this morning, so I went outside to show them who is boss. I picked up a handful of mulch and whipped it into the tree. Problem solved, or so I thought. Ten minutes and they are back at it, this time it seems louder. I go downstairs and debate my next step. Glass of water or the garden hose. Since the neighbors in front of us are still awake, he is a nurse with weird hours, I opt for the pint vs. hose method. The little f'er is chirping to high heaven, so I douse him. Shut him up good.
Now realize there is actually a great deal of forethought and trepidation involved in this process. First I was somewhat scared because I witnessed a bird of the same make and model as my little chirping friend attack a squirrel yesterday. Yes, he/she/it was divebombing a squirrel and beaking it. I was riding and had a front row view of the bird chasing the squirrel across the street, dippin' & divin' until the squirrel found solace under a shed. So at 1:30am I am thinking I am going to hose down this little monster and then the bird will attack me and beak my eyes out. So now I am blind, bleeding and rolling in the front yard. So I decide the pint cup is my best option. Then I think the super-evil Hitchcockian bird will somehow chase me in the house. Now I am being beaked in my own abode & have to explain to Ames why I have awoken her with my screaming. Yes, there is a lot of thought process that happens at 1:30am to shut up a little varmin. So tonight I will see if the bird will wake me. If he does it again, than Charlton Heston will then be my president, albeit a pellet or BB gun. Charlton would still be proud as I excercise my right to bear BB arms.
Wish me luck.